FBFm7? Bm7e|--1-- e|--1-- e|--1-- e|--1--|
B|--1-- B|--3-- B|--1-- B|--2--|
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A--3-- A--1-- A--3-- A--1--|
e|--1-- e|--1-- e|--1-- e|--1--|E|-13-13-13-13-13-13-13-13-13-13-13-8h10p8-|-------------|
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Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the
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stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the
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street from Jerry?s Bait Shop? You know the place? Well anyway, back then
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life was going swell and everything was juuuuust peachy? except of course
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for the undeniable fact that every single morning my mother would make me
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a big old bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast. Daaaaaaaouh! Big bowl of
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sauerkraut!
E|-13------------|
B|---13p10-------|
G|--------10-----| F F F F F
D|---------------| Every single morning! It was driving me crazy. I said to
A|---------------|
E|---------------|FF
my mom, I said, ?Hey mom, what?s up with all the sauerkraut?? And my dear
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sweet mother she just looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train.
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And she leaned right down next to me, and she said, ?It?s good for you!?
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And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth
BFFFFBBBBFF
and force|-fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty-six and a half
FF
years old. That?s when I swore that someday, someday I would get out of
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that basement and travel to a magical far away place where the sun is
BF
always shining and the air smells like warm root beer and the towels are
BFB
oh so fluffy, where the shriners and the lepers play their ukulele?s all
FB
day long and anyone on the street?ll gladly shave you?re back for a
FBBBBF
nickel. Wakawakadoodoo yah! Well let me tell you people, that it wasn?t
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long at all before my dream came true because the very next day a local
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radio station had this contest to see who could correctly guess the number
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of molecules in Leonard Neroy?s butt. I was off by three but I still won
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the grand prize. That?s right a first class one|-way ticket, to
FFm7BBm7FBFFFm7BBm7FB
A - lbuquerque, A - lbuquerque! Ah yah, you know I never
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been on a real airplane before and I gotta tell ya it was really great.
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Except that I had to ist between two large Albanian women with
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excruciatingly severe body odour and the little kid in back of me kept
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throwing up the whole time. The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper
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and salted peanuts and the in flight movie was "Biodome" with Polly Shore.
F
And oh yah three of the airplane's engines burned down and we went into a
BF
tailspin and crashed into a hillside and the plane exploded in a giant
BFF
fireball and everybody died! Except for me. You know why? ?Cause I had my
BFB
train table up, and my seat back in the full upright position, had my
FBFB
train table up, and my seat back in the full upright position, had my
FBFB
train table up, and my seat back in the full upright position. Ah ha ha
FFFF
ha! Oh ha ha! Ahhhh. So I crawled from the twisted burnin? wreckage, I
FF
crawled on my hands and knees for three full days, dragging along my big
FBF
leather suitcase, and my garment bag, and my tenor saxophone, and my
BFB
twelve|-pound bowling ball and my lucky lucky autographed glow in the dark
FBBBB
snorkel. But finally a arrived at the world famous ?Albuquerque Holiday
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Inn?, where the towels are oh so fluffy, and you could eat you?re soup
FF
right out of the ashtrays if you wanna, it?s OK their clean. Well I
FBF
checked into my room and I turned down the AC and I turned on the spectro
BF
vision and I was just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow
BF
that I love so very very much when suddenly there?s a knock on the door.
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Well now who could that be? I say, ?who is it?? No answer. ?Who is it??
F
There?s no answer. ?Who is it!?? They?re not saying anything, so finally I
F
go over and I open the door and just as I suspected, it?s some big fat
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hermaphrodite with a flock of seagull?s haircut and only one nostril. Oh
FFFB
man I hate it when I?m right. So anyway he burst into my room and grabbes
my lucky snorkel and I?m like ?hey, you can?t have that! That snorkel has
FFF
been just like a snorkel to me.? And he?s like ?tough? And I?m like ?give
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it.? And he?s like ?make me.? And I?m like ?k.? So I grabbed his leg and
BBFFB
he grabbed my oesophagus and I bit off his ear and he chewed off my
BFF
eyebrows and I took out his appendix and he gave me a valonic irrigation
FF
yes indeed you better believe it. And somehow in the middle of it all the
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phone got knocked off the hook, and twenty seconds later I heard a
FF
familiar voice, and you know what it said, I?ll tell you what it said, it
FFBBBFFBBF
said, ?if you?d like to make a call, please hang up and try again. If you
FBBFBFF
need help hang up and then dial you?re operator. If you?d like to make a
BBBFFBFFBB
call, please hang up and try again. If you need help hang up and then dial
FBFFm7BBm7FBFFFm7BBm7F
you?re operator. In A - lbuquerque, A - lbuquerque! Well
FFF
to cut a long story short he got away with my snorkel. But I made a solemn
FF
vow right then and there that I would rest, I would not sleep for an
FFFF
instant until the one|-nostriled man was brought to justice. But first I
FFBB
decided to buy some donuts. So I got in my car and drove over to the donut
FBF
shop and I walked right up to the guy behind the counter and he says ?yah,
wadaya want??
E|-13--------11--------------11131618------------------1113-| it ain't per--|
B|-------------1311--------13--------1816----------1113---------------------| fect but it'l
G|-----------------1311------------------171513--13-------------------------| give you some
D|---------------------1310--------------------15---------------------------| thing to do
A|--------------------------------------------------------------------------| till you fig
E|--------------------------------------------------------------------------| ure it outFFFF
I said, ? you got any glazed donuts?? He said, ?naaa were all out of
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glazed donuts.? I said, ?well you got any jelly donuts?? He said, ?naaa
FF
were all out of jelly donuts.? I said, ?you got any Bavarian cream-filled
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donuts?? He said, ?naaa were all out of Bavarian cream-filled donuts.? I
FF
said, ?you got any cinnamon rolls?? He said, ?naaa were all out of
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cinnamon rolls.? I said, ?you got any apple fritters!?? He said, ?naaa
FF
were out of apple fritters.? I said, ?you got any bear claws!!?? He said,
?wait a minute, I?ll go check.
E|------------------------------------------------16-16-18-16-18-18b-|
B|-18v----------------------------------------19-19-18---------------|
G|------------------------------19-19-21-19-21-21--------------------|
D|-----15v---------19-19-21-19-21-21---------------------------------|
A|---------19h20h21--21----------------------------------------------|
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B|--------18-16-16------------|
G|-------------18-18-15-15----|
D|---------------------18-18--|
A|-------------------------15-|
E|----------------------------|FFF
Naaa were out of bear claws.? I said, ?well in that case, in that case
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what do you have?? He said, ?all I?ve got right now is this box of one
e|-24b\-|
B|------|dozen starving crazed weasels.?G------| I said, ?OK I?ll take that.? So he
D|------|
A|------|
E|------|FBF
hands over the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out and they
BF
immediately latch onto my face and start biting me all over ayiyi
FFFF
yiyiyiyi. Oh, oh man they were just going nuts! Their terin? me apart. You
FFF
know I think it was just about that time that little ditty started goin?
BBBFFFBBB
through my head. I believe it went a little something like this.
FFFFBBBBFFFFBBBBFFFFBBB
?Doooohgetemoffmegettemoffmeooogetemoffgettemoffoooohgetoooohgeooohoooahhh
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hohhhiahhooohahahahhhohhhhh!? I ran out onto the street with these flesh
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eating weasels all over my face, waiving my arms all around and just
FF
runnin? and runnin? and runnin? like a constipated wiener dog. And as luck
FFFF
would have it, that?s exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams, her
FF
name was Zelda. She was a calligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite
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and hair the colour of strange peaches. I?ll never forget the very first
FFF
thing she said to me, she said, ?hey, you got weasels on your face.?
FF
That?s when I knew it was true love, we were inseparable after that, oh we
FFFF
ate together, we bathed together, we even shared the same piece of mint-
FFF
flavoured dental floss. The world was our burrito. So we got married and
BFB
we bought us a house and had two beautiful children, Nathaniel and
FFF
Superfly. Oh we were so very very very happy, oh ya. But then one fateful
night Zelda said to me, she said, ?Sweetie|-pumpkin, do you want to join
FFFFBBBFB
the Columbia Record Club?? I said, ?Wooooah hold on now baby, I?m
FBF
just not ready for that kind of a commitment.? So we broke up and I never
FFFFFFm7BBm7F
saw her again but that?s just the way things go, . In A -
FBFFm7BBm7F
lbuquerque, A - lbuquerque!
E|-16-16-16---16-16-16---16------16b16b17b17b17b18b18b-16-13-----------|
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D|-----------------------------------------------------------------15--|
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B|----------------------------------18-16-------------|
G|-17-15----18-18-18-16----19-17----------------------|
D|------17-------------16-------17--------------------|
A|----------------------------------------------------|
E|----------------------------------------------------|FF
Anyway then things really started looking up for me, because about a week
FFFF
later I finally achieved my life|-long dream. That?s right I got me a part
FF
time job at the ?Sizzler.? I even made employee|-of-the|-month after I put
FF
out that grease|-fire with my face. Oh ya everyone was pretty jealous of me
FFFF
after that. I was getting lota attitude. OK like one time, I was out in
FFFF
the parking lot trying to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil, when
FF
I see this guy Marty tryin? to carry a big old sofa up the stairs all by
FF
himself. So I-I say to him, I say, ?hey, you want me to help you with
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that? And Marty he just rolls his eyes and goes, ?nooooo I want you to cut
FFBFFFF
off my arms and legs with a chain saw.? So I did. And then he gets all
BBBBFFFFBBBB
indignant on me, he?s like, ?hey mad I was just being sarcastic.? Well
FFF
that?s just great, how was I supposed to know that? I?m not a mind reader
FF
for crying out loud. Besides now he?s got a really cute nickname ?Torso
E|-20-16-18-17-14-16----------------------------------------|
B|-------------------20-16-18-17-13-15----------------------|FFG|-------------------------------------19-15-17-17-13-15----|
Boy?. D|-------------------------------------------------------15-| So
A|----------------------------------------------------------|
E|----------------------------------------------------------|
what?s he complaining about? Say that reminds me of another amusing
FFFF
anecdote; this guy comes up to me on the street and tells me he hasn?t had
FF
a bite in three days. Well I knew what he meant but just to be funny I
FFFF
took a big bite out of his jugular vein, and he?s yelling and screaming
B
and bleeding all over and I?m like, ?hey come on don?t you get it?? But he
FFFBBF
just kept rolling around on the sidewalk bleeding and screaming, YAHHHH!
FBFF
OHHHH! AHHHH! And I?m completely missing the irony of the whole situation,
FFFFFF
man some people just can?t take a joke you know? Anyway, um? um? where was
FFFFFF
I? Kinda lost my train of thought. Oh, uh, well oh okay anyway I know it?s
FF
a roundabout way of saying it but I guess the whole point I?m trying to
FBFB
make is, I, HATE, SAURKROUT! That?s all I?m really trying to say, and by
FB
the way if one day you happen to wake up and find yourself in an
FBFB
exsulstential quandary full of woeing and self doubt and wrapped with the
FBF
pain and isolation of you?re pitiful meaningless existence, at least even
BF
take a small bit of comfort in knowing that somewhere out there in this
BFBFB
crazy old mixed up universe of ours, there?s still a little place, called
FFm7BBm7FBFFm7BBm7FBFB
A - lbuquerque, A - lbuquerque! Albuquerque, Albuquerque,
FBFBF
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque,
BFBFBFBFFBBFFBB
Albuquerque, I say A, A, L, L, B, B, U, U? QUERQUE! QUERQUE!
FFBBFFBBFF
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque,
BBFFBBFFBB
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque,
FFBBFFBBFF
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque,
BBF
Albuquerque, Albuquerque,
E|-13-13-11-18-16-13-11-13-11/8-6-8-6-4-------1-1-1-1-|
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D|------------------------------------------1/3-3-3-3-| (drum solo)
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