E                       Ab
This is a song for Phil Daoust:
           A                  C       B
occasional Guardian Newspaper journal-oust.
E                 Ab
I never ever ever mentioned your name,
       A                                 B
or the review that you wrote, when I was new to this game.
C#m                  C#m/C
But now the time has come,
             C#m/B                     C#m/Bb
I think I've dealt with my feelings at last.
  F#m
I really wanna forgive ya Phil,
       B                              A  B
yeah I wanna put the past in the past-a
          E                  Ab
Oh and as this is such a big tour,
  A                             C   B
I thought I outta take the opportunity.
                 E                           Ab
'Cause there's a pretty good chance somebody out there will know you,
A                          B
Maybe they would pass on a message for me.
C#m                  C#m/C              C#m/B              C#m/Bb
Just wanna say, Phil Daoust, occasional Guardian Newspaper journal-oust,
          F#m
That it's been three years since you wrote it,
    Abm
and time is very healing.
      A
But I still wanna cut big chunks of flesh out of your stupid face
    B
and make your children watch while I force you to eat them.
A      B
Yeah I wanna make your children watch you eat your own face-meat.

E         B
Ding Dang Ding Dang Dong,
C#m        Abm
This is my Phil Doust Song,
A         E
Everybody sing along,
A
La la la la la la la,
  B                                E
I hope one of your family' members dies.
      B
Phil, Ding Dang Dong.
C#m                   Abm
I've written you this special song,
A                   E
to help you get the attention -
    A          B
you obviously, desperately lack.

E                       Ab
And I know that you're a smart man,
A                  C       B
and with such a fine mind, I guess it has to be hard-
E                 Ab
To resist throwing narcissistic, intellectual
  A                                 B
tantrums in the supermarket isles of your self-regard.
C#m                  C#m/C              C#m/B              C#m/Bb
Just wanna say, Phil Daoust, I know it must be really hard to be a journal-oust.

           F#m                            Abm
While a deadlines always looming, and the pressure to be entertaining.
   A                                B                            A
So maybe you should quit and get a job that you'd be better at - like killing
yourself, you fucking cunt.
E         B
Ding Dang Ding Dang Dong,
C#         Abm
This is my Phil Doust Song,
A         E
Everybody sing along,
A
Tra la la la la la la,
  B                               E
I hope something you love catches on fire.
      B
Phil, Ding Dang Dong.
C#m                   Abm
I've written you this special song,
A                    E
to show how far I've come along -
  A              B
in my efforts to be more mature in the face of negative feedback.

You fucking poo-face.