G                    D                   G
Darts in soap operas, oh so wrong, oh so wrong
                            D                            G
No one's scoring and there's too much chat between easch throw
                              D                          G
Worse than this though is when cheers are raised for the bull
                                D
Granted, bull's a double and an out but I know that they don't
Am         D       Am   D    Am      D      D7
Know their boards; I propose no soap darts.
G                    D                       G
Is your child hyperactive or is he perhaps a twat?
                          D                         G
Sometimes I like to watch wave rage down on Fistral Beach
                        D                       G
Last Ash Wednesday I had tantric sex and it was shit
                          D
Next Ash Wednesday I might strive to lick my elbow;
Am        D     Am       D   Am     D      D7
Strive in vain, for they say few succeed.
G                              D
I wrote to the Horse and Hounds to gloat over whay I'd done
G                      D
I stored their magazine in a data retrieval system
G
Well let's face it what're they going to do?
D
It's not as if they know where I live
    G                      D
And anyway I cut the caper back in 1984
G                  D
Heartbroken Matrons on joyless beds
    G                D
For those whose souls the iron has entered
G                            D
And if I get to Heaven's gate I'll doubtless have to wait
G                           D
While St. Peter investigates the inevitable asterisk
    G                            D
The inside of a Halex Three Star table-tennis ball
G                        D               G
Smells much like you'd expect it to.