[Elle] There! Right there! Look at that tan, that tinted skin Look at the killer shape he's in Look at that slightly stubly chin Oh please he's gay, totally gay [Calahan] I'm not about to celebrate Every trait could indicate the totally straight expatriate This guy's not gay, I say not gay [All] That is the elephant in the room Well, is it relevant to assume That a man who wears perfume Is automatically radically fay? [Emmett] But look at his coiffed and crispy locks [Elle] Look at his silk translucent socks [Calahan] There's the eternal paradox Look what we're seeing [Elle] What are we seeing? [Calahan] Is he gay? [Elle] Of course he's gay [Calahan] Or european? [All] Oh Gay or european? It's hard to guarantee Is he gay or european? [Warner] Well, hey don't look at me [Vivian] You see they bring their boys up different In those charming foreign ports They play peculiar sports [All] In shiny shirts and tiny shorts Gay or foreign fella? The answer could take weeks They both say things like ciao bella While they kiss you on both cheeks [Elle] Oh please [All] Gay or european? So many shades of gray [Warner] Depending on the time of day The french go either way [All] Is he gay or european? Or [Eden] There! Right there! Look at that condescending smirk Seen it on every guy at work That is a metro-hetero jerk That guy's not gay, I say no way [All] That is the elephant in the room Well is it relevant to presume That a hottie in that costume [Elle] Is automatically, radically [Calahan] Ironically, cronically [Vivian] Scurtinly, curtainly [Warner] Genetically, netically [All] Gay! Officially gay! Officially gay, gay, gay, gay! Dammit Gay or european? [Calahan] So stylish and relaxed [All] Is he gay or european? [Calahan] I think his chest is waxed [Vivian] But they bring their boys up different there It's culturally diverse It's not a fashion curse [All] If he wears a kilt or bears a purse Gay or just exotic? I still can't crack the code [Brooke] Yet his accent is hypnotic But his shoes are pointy-toed [All] Huh Gay or european? So many shades of gray [Judge] But if he turns out straight I'm free at 8 on Saturday [All] Is he gay or european? Gay or european? Gay or euro- [Emmett] Wait a minute! Give me a chance to crack this guy I have an idea I'd like to try [Calahan] The floor is yours [Emmett] So mr. Argitacos This alleged affair with ms. Windam Has been going on for? [Nicos] 2 years [Emmett] And your first name again is? (Nicos) Nicos [Emmett] And your boyfriend's name is? [Nicos] Carlos I'm sorry! I misunderstand You say boyfriend I thought you say best friend Carlos is my best friend [Carlos] You bastard! You lying bastard! That's it I no cover for you, no more! Peoples I have a big announcement This man is gay and european! And neither is disgrace You've got to stop your being A completely closet case It's me, not her, he's seein' No matter what he say I swear he never ever ever swing the other way You are so gay You big parfait! You flaming one-man carbaret! [Nicos] I'm straight! [Carlos] You were not yesterday So if I may, I'm proud to say He's gay! [All] And european! [Carlos] He's gay! [All] And european! [Carlos] He's gay! [All] And european and gay! [Nicos] Fine okay I'm gay! [All] Hooray! [Nicos and carlos] Fine, okay, we're gay